Day 4 Consumption

Drank a lot of water today.

Midnight Snack - Small bag of Cherry Ripe bites
- Half a bottle of Pepsi Max
(I bought these while driving to Brisbane at 1 am. I was falling asleep while driving, and I needed something to keep me awake.)

Breakfast - Slept in (Shock!)

Lunch - (Surprise!) Roast chicken wrap from Subway

Dinner - Nothing. No appetite.

I know im skipping meals, and from a diet standpoint, thats bad. Im jsut really uninterested in food, and I force myself to eat that daily wrap (Getting over it though).

Looking forward to next week. I know what my new challenge will be.

Day 3 Consumption

Well, life's pretty shit atm. Strongly desiring to give up on this, but im sticking to it. I need some sort of direction.

Im skipping school this week. I tried going into school on Monday, but it was far too hard to concentrate. Today Jo and I went out. I'll avoid details and just get on with it, shall I?

Lunch - Roast Chicken Wrap

• Same as yesterday

- Calyspo fruit crush thingy

• Pineapple
• Mango
• Ice
• Pineapple Juice
• Other 100% healthy fruit stuff.

Dinner - Watermelon

Skipped breakfast. Only ate the watermelon because I was cutting some up for the kids. Only ate lunch cause Jo was eating. Just have no appetite at all atm.

Think I need a new blog to start whining about how much my life sucks atm. I've gone from being on top of the world, confident that 2009 was going to be my year, to feeling worse than I did last year.

Fuck it. In other news, I've lost a kilo. Yay me. Anyone reading this, please bear with me. I'll get my shit together soon. I promise this wont become an emo whine blog.

My wife

Yesterday my wife asked me to leave our home. She no longer loves me. Although I understand where this comes from, its timing feels so very off to me. This blog, my being back in school, my entire happiness I had finally established, it all came from the support of my wife.

Last year we seperated, it was meant to be a chance for me to sort myself out. It took a REALLY long time, and life was so very hard, but I finally came to my senses. With the help of my therapist, I started to open up finally.

Im sorry to everyone who isnt Jo who has to read this. I cant say this to her face, I dont want to unfairly burden her with my tears.

Jo, I really want to re-iterate how loving I have been to you in the past few months. It was all real. You say you want a soul-mate? What do you call someone who feels so much love for you while you are sleeping, that he goes and looks through the old wedding photos. Who posts one as your computer wallpaper so that when you see it, you know he was thinking of you. I planned for ages, trying to figure out how to make this years aniversary better than last years and our wedding combined (Which, considering the circumstances, you might say that wouldn't be hard).

I've seen you stressed a lot lately. I've tried my best to be more active with the children. I admit, I have slipped a lot in the last week or two. I got too caught up in the magic bullshit. Im sorry. But going back a few more weeks, I would make you tea when I saw you stressed. I saw the look in your eyes when I would put it in front of you. Baby, I saw love.

Valentine's Day. How can you say you didn't love me? I SAW the look in your eyes. A lot of it was surprise, but I saw love there too! You're in a funk. I know of funks. Our split does not need to be permanent.

I realise this is a most highly unattractive form of grovelling, but you say you want a man who will shout his love for you from the rooftops. This is my roof. From it, all four corners of the globe (lolwut?) can hear my voice. I even shouted it from my facebook. 25 things about me, that turned into 30. You were the 30th. And I saw you when you read it. You loved me.

In the last 24 hours I say I have seen all these signs coming, and I turneda blind eye to them. But there is more than jsut those signs Jo. I have seen many moments when you have looked at me and been in love with me. And those moments are not as long ago as you seem to think they are.

This feels so wrong to me, and yet it feels right to you. You claim we are "toxic" to each other. Jo, you are inspiring me to be such a better person. The person you consider toxic is so close to being dead. I can feel him fighting for life atm, because he feeds off my depression, off my agony. That's not meant ot be a guilt trip either, my love. I understand your need for space, and I am willing to give it to you. But our life together does not need to end here.

You fail to see the good because you are mired in the bad. And I accept responsibility for allowing you to fall that far. I know fancy words aren't very likely to win you back, but it's all I have left. My heart is empty but my brain spins lovely speeches for me to repeat over and over and over to an empty room.

I ADORE you Jo. Please, don't let this end now. I can be what you need. I can. If you let me.

I dont want anyone else but Jo to comment on this. I thank you for your sympathy, but it only makes me feel even more pathetic.

Day 2 - Daily Consumption

I received some bad news today. Kinda makes me want to give up this whole idea, cause it seems kind of pointless now. But still, not one to rush into a stupid decision, I kept the good work up. Although, I've had no appetite today, and I only ate cause I figured I should.

Lunch - Roasted Chicken Wrap from Subway

• Same as yesterday.

That is all.

Daily consumption

I didn't do too poorly today. I could have gotten off to a better start, but KFC was sort of forced upon me.

Breakfast - Slept in, missed it.

Lunch - Regular Chicken Fillet meal

• Chicken (with skin scraped off)
• Regular Chips
• Can of 7-up

- Fruit Fantasy from Cold Rock

• Mango Sorbet
• Banana Sorbet
• Strawberries
• Mango
• Strawberry topping

Dinner - Roast Chicken Wrap from Subway

• Carb-friendly wrap
• Roast Chicken
• (No cheese. Yay willpower. Boo lack of taste)
• Carrot
• Lettuce
• Tomato
• Salt and Pepper
• Honey Mustard sauce (Dunno if its good or bad, but damned if im gonna have a flavourless sammich)

I also had 2 cans of Pepsi Max throughout the day.

Not the BEST start, but I made decisions today that I wouldn't have made previously. Being Zac's (Step-son) birthday, I was kind of forced into KFC and Cold Rock. I didnt want to have nothing, as that would have pissed me off. So I replaced the ice cream in the fruit fantasy with non-dairy sorbet. I actually GOT a fruit fantasy instead of a big tub of ice cream. I went a size smaller at KFC, and painstakingly pulled off all that delicious chicken skin and threw it away!

Overall, im impressed I managed to avoid snacking (thats what the pepsi was for).

Exercise

Tonight I practiced some fire twirling from 7pm - 8:30. Learnt a new trick called tapping, which is just an impressive way of throwing it and catching it quickly. If my arms are any indication, it was definetly a strong work out. I can barely move them, and I bashed my head in a few times. But more practice with that one before I try it lit :P

Once this is posted, I'll also do a kilometre or two on the exercise bike before I shower and pass out.

First Weekly Challenge

As previously mentioned, I have no plan. There is no right or wrong way for me to do this. If I set myself boundries too strict, I will eventualyl get depressed and give up. If I set very loose boundries, what is the point?

As such, I will be changing the rules each and every week. (Later on down the track, I will run a game or competition of some description. The winner can pick the challenge for me). The first week is kind of a cop out, some would say. But for me, it's about hitting the ground running at a pace I can handle.

Week One: Be conscious of the foods I am eating. When bored, exercise.

This means I am not doing ANY special dieting. I am not going out of my way to do ANY exercise. What I AM doing, is actively making decisions of the foods I eat. For example, today was my step son's 10th birthday. He chose, of all places, KFC for lunch. Rather than not have anything and get depressed and give up on day one, I picked something healthier than my usual choice, and got a smaller meal. We went to the park afterward, and I spent about an hour practicing fire twirling. (It is a valid form of exercise. Trust me, when you cant control the damn thing, you do a lot of chasing).

With each weekly challenge, I will post new pics of me in my grundies. I cropped this one to focus on my belly (and I had also JUST woken up. I had a less than pretty face).

Current weight: 114kg

End of week goal: 112kg

Overall goal: 80kg

Reward System

To stay focused, Im offering myself a few incentives. If I have reached my goal weight by March 1, 2010, I will be rewarding myself with an adventure trip. Im still undecided what it will be, but think of the trips kids take in thier gap year. I never did anything like that, and I want to do something exciting before I get started on my career. I'll delve into this one later on in the year (obviously, a lot of them are pending wife approval).

I will also offer myself rewards based on a point system. (I love RPGs. I love gaining experience, leveling up, grinding gold, etc etc. So, I had to include some way to gain points in this) Each week, I will have a starting weight, and a goal weight. Achieving my goal weight grants me 10 points. For each additional kilo I lose past that goal, I get an extra 2 points.

Now I want you guys to leave suggestions of things I can reward myself with, and how many points you think they should be worth. As a guideline, nothing should be under 100 points. ATM, im getting desperate for a new tattoo. Im thinking that should be a 150 point reward. Any other ideas?

Week One - March 1 to March 8

*gulp* The time has come. I realised last night at about 11:40 that in 20 minutes, everything I eat will be chronicaled. So I quickly ripped open the bag of Crunchies the wife got me for my birthday and scoffed a few down.

They were stale. >.< I noticed they had a "quick sale" price tag on them. Thanks beloved.

As I type this, my lovely wife is uploading some photos on her computer, which I will then go over and upload them onto here. It really doesnt look TOO bad. Not as bad as I see when I look in the mirror. Maybe the camera takes off fat once you reach a certain limit?

Or maybe I should stop looking in that funhouse mirror?

Be back later with pics.