Tuesday, March 3, 2009

My wife

Yesterday my wife asked me to leave our home. She no longer loves me. Although I understand where this comes from, its timing feels so very off to me. This blog, my being back in school, my entire happiness I had finally established, it all came from the support of my wife.

Last year we seperated, it was meant to be a chance for me to sort myself out. It took a REALLY long time, and life was so very hard, but I finally came to my senses. With the help of my therapist, I started to open up finally.

Im sorry to everyone who isnt Jo who has to read this. I cant say this to her face, I dont want to unfairly burden her with my tears.

Jo, I really want to re-iterate how loving I have been to you in the past few months. It was all real. You say you want a soul-mate? What do you call someone who feels so much love for you while you are sleeping, that he goes and looks through the old wedding photos. Who posts one as your computer wallpaper so that when you see it, you know he was thinking of you. I planned for ages, trying to figure out how to make this years aniversary better than last years and our wedding combined (Which, considering the circumstances, you might say that wouldn't be hard).

I've seen you stressed a lot lately. I've tried my best to be more active with the children. I admit, I have slipped a lot in the last week or two. I got too caught up in the magic bullshit. Im sorry. But going back a few more weeks, I would make you tea when I saw you stressed. I saw the look in your eyes when I would put it in front of you. Baby, I saw love.

Valentine's Day. How can you say you didn't love me? I SAW the look in your eyes. A lot of it was surprise, but I saw love there too! You're in a funk. I know of funks. Our split does not need to be permanent.

I realise this is a most highly unattractive form of grovelling, but you say you want a man who will shout his love for you from the rooftops. This is my roof. From it, all four corners of the globe (lolwut?) can hear my voice. I even shouted it from my facebook. 25 things about me, that turned into 30. You were the 30th. And I saw you when you read it. You loved me.

In the last 24 hours I say I have seen all these signs coming, and I turneda blind eye to them. But there is more than jsut those signs Jo. I have seen many moments when you have looked at me and been in love with me. And those moments are not as long ago as you seem to think they are.

This feels so wrong to me, and yet it feels right to you. You claim we are "toxic" to each other. Jo, you are inspiring me to be such a better person. The person you consider toxic is so close to being dead. I can feel him fighting for life atm, because he feeds off my depression, off my agony. That's not meant ot be a guilt trip either, my love. I understand your need for space, and I am willing to give it to you. But our life together does not need to end here.

You fail to see the good because you are mired in the bad. And I accept responsibility for allowing you to fall that far. I know fancy words aren't very likely to win you back, but it's all I have left. My heart is empty but my brain spins lovely speeches for me to repeat over and over and over to an empty room.

I ADORE you Jo. Please, don't let this end now. I can be what you need. I can. If you let me.

I dont want anyone else but Jo to comment on this. I thank you for your sympathy, but it only makes me feel even more pathetic.


  1. Luke,

    You know you have my support in everything that you do, regardless. The healthiest thing about our relationship has always been our friendship. Please allow yourself the time you need to find your strength. Focus on your studies, your awesome tighty whities plan and the kids - you're their daddy and they need you.

    Apologies to everyone else.