Sunday, May 3, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Life is getting a bit too difficult atm, and Im often too busy trying to distract myself or too busy actually dealing with life, that I dont make it online to blog.
Just for those waiting to hear it, I lost 2 kgs last week. I am now 103kgs.
I'll be back on the 1st of April blogging again. Hoping to be 99kg by then.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
- Some watermelon pieces
- A fruit smoothie (Dairy in it)
- A normal fruit drink (no dairy in this one)
- Wife invited me over for Dinner. She felt like Thai take-away, said she would pay for it and order it if I completed the other piece of the puzzle, driving to pick it up.
- I ended up ordering, paying and driving (twice...they moved >.<)
- Anyway, I had Mussaman Beef, and it really felt like the first real meal I have had since I started this. Maybe not, Id have to go back and check, but it felt good eating it.
Spent about 2 hours walking.
Sorry about the deteriorating quality of these posts. Im honestly getting next to no sleep, all my days are running into each other and getting muddled. It's hard to remember what days I've blogged and what days I havent, and then harder still to distinguish what foods I had on those days.
I will get a notebook to keep track of these things I think.
Anyway, weigh in and photos later on today. I'll have to go over to Jo's house for it.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
- One of those Juice things im in love with
- I bought 2 wraps, one for me, one for Jo. I went to Jo's house to deliver hers so we could lunch together, and I noticed she had left her email open. I read some things I wish I didnt, and I lost my appetite.
- Later, found myself at the shops again and bought a roast pork roll with gravy and a large cup fo potato gems, with gravy.
- Potato Pie
Nothing at all. Rain is reall hampering my exercise routine, and my intake of endorphines...
I wrote a big 1000+ word description of events leading up to this, and my thoughts, but it turned out to be too deep for a public blog thats about weight loss.
Long story short... I love Jo, Jo loves someone else. (Someone else reads this. At least leave a comment you bastard. If you're gonna take my wife, at least leave some encouragement.) Its really, truly time to move on.
Now if only it would stop raining and I could go jogging... Natural highs desperately needed.
Friday, March 20, 2009
- 50g Soya crisps
- 2 slices of Peanut Butter toast
- Chicken Wrap
- Bowen Fruit drink (Mango, strawberry, banana)
- Big cookie
- Chicken, Bacon, Pineapple wrap.
40 sit ups. Rain and TAFE prevented me from walking.
So tired... Goodnight.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Im far too tired to try and remember what I have been eating, but I assure you I have achieved the eating goal both days, the exercise goal on Tuesday but missed it on Wednesday (due to being tired from Tuesday Night).
Tuesday I did 50 sit ups, yesterday I did none.
Im going to be giving Jo some space over the next few days, try and get my head on straight. That'll give me more time to focus on other things, such as this blog.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
- Apple pieces and Grapes
- Hot Dog with Tomato Sauce
- Sausage Roll
Note: The day started off great. I took my wife and our kids to Australia Zoo for family day. The hot dog was probably the healthiest option there for lunch :S After a great time at Aussie Zoo though, I discovered some disheartening news concerning my relationship, and once again withdrew. The sausage roll was a direct result of "FUCK IT ALL TO HELL!" mood I was in. I also skipped dinner because of that.
So Sunday's eating correctly is a: FAIL!
However, as far as exercise is concerned, we walked a marathon at Australia Zoo for 3 hours, and then spent an hour and a half at the local swimming pool. I managed to squeeze in 30 sit ups before being utterly spent and going to bed. I didn't get the 100, but that isnt exactly a requirement.
Sunday Exercise: SUCCESS!
- 1 Piece of Vegemite toast
- Chicken wrap (lettuce, carrot, tomato)
- Bluetongue Juice (Strawberries, blueberries, mango, other delicious stuff)
- 2 cruskits
- 50gms of Pretzels
- 1 apple
- Choc-chip cookie
- Chicken, Bacon, Pineapple wrap. (Dont judge, it tastes awesome!)
Eat correctly on Monday: SUCCESS!
And Monday is a day excempt from exercise. So HURRAH FOR ME!
Current weight: 109 kg
This week goal: 106 kg
Total Goal: 80 kg
This week, I weigh.... 105kgs!
I think last week I can count the number of times I ate on one hand. I definetly failed my weekly challenge, and for that I blame my suffering love life. My wife reveled things to me that I probably could have been better off not knowing, but at least I succeeded in losing a bit of weight.
Things are great between her and I atm, and I think I finally have my head around whats happening and will set my head straight now. (Of course, I think I have said that to her about 6 times in the last two weeks. >.<)
So for achieving my goal, thats 10 points, and an extra kilo on top of that (another 2 points) I earned 12 Reward points last week, bringing my total to 28.
Still have no idea what I will get with my reward points. Suggestions sorely needed.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Probably a connection there.
- 1 Apple
Lunch - Skipped
- 6 Delicious Chocolate Chip cookies (Stolen from the wife's fridge! Take that!)
- 2 Cadbury Creme Eggs (2 for $2.50 at the servo while driving to Brisbane. Yes please!)
- Cripsy Chicken burger from McDonalds
- Medium Fries
- Medium Diet Coke
None! There is a hurricane. It is ruining my plans for a fit and healthy me!
Monday, March 9, 2009
- Apple (220 kj)
- 2 Cruskits (230 kj)
- Bowl of Watermelon (130kj per 100g. Guesstimate 200kj)
- Chicken Wrap (lettuce, carrot, tomato, Honey Mustard. The standard. 950kj)
- Kiwi Cooler Juice (No idea. All natural stuff)
- Soy Crisps (50g, 1029 kj)
- 2 Cruskits (230 kj)
- Roast Pork Sandwich (I know, not the best choice, but I felt like something different. No idea n Kj's here. Gonna guess 1800)
- Golden Circle Orange and Mango juice (742 kj)
- Apple (220 kj)
Total KJ - 220 + 230 + 200 + 950 + ??? + 1029 + 230 + 1800 + 742 + 220 = 5601 kj
Monday goal = FAIL!
lots of exercise today. Swimming in the morning for 45 minutes. THAT got my heart pumping. Tried pushing my dead car uphill in the rain. And finally, 10 minutes on the exercise bike.
Although I think I am gonna fail the weekly challenge, I think I'm doing things right.
I decided on Sundays I will take it a little bit easier. Its the start of a new week, hopefully following a successful week, so I deserve to enjoy myself and not worry too much. That is not to say I will ruin everything I achieved, but jsut take it easier.
Breakfast - I took the kids to McDonalds to play in the playground while thier mother went and did things.
- 2 Hash Browns (1030kj)
- 1 Hot cake (3 Hotcakes with butter and syrup is 2760kj. I had 1, with no butter or syrup so lets guess, 700kj)
- 1 Apple (220kj. Thanks Wikipedia!)
- 2 Cruskits (nothing on it. Yumm! 230kj)
- 1 Apple (220kj)
- 2 Cruskits (230kj)
- McDonalds Classic Crispy Chicken Burger (It was after 9pm, no wrap :( It's still pretty healthy. 2010 kj. Maybe not :O )
- Parker's Pretzels (Only ate half the bag. Go me! 817kj)
- Can of Pepsi Max (5kj. You read that right! Not gonna reach my kj quota through pepsi.)
KJ total - 1030 + 700ish + 220 + 220 + 230 + 230 + 2010 + 817 + 5 = 5462 kj.
Quota for Sunday: FAIL!
Still, im not feeling too hard on myself. I was eating when I should, even though I wasn't hungry. This whole seperation thing has assasinated my appetite. So although I missed the quota, at least I know I am on the right track.
Took the kids in the pram around the block. they add 30kgs, and its a lot of uphill walking, so it can get tough. Roughly 5.5k's.
Did 2km on the exercise bike in 4 minutes 10 seconds. When I started last week, it took me 5 minutes flat. Getting better :)
Last night after failing to fall asleep the first time, I went for a drive (thats when I got my cripsy chicken from McD's, figured I needed a bigger dinner). It was beautifully windy, and since sleep wasn't coming, I went to the beach. Tried twirling the firestick, but the wind made it incredibly difficult, so I just walked along the beach in the dark. Sounds lonely and pathetic, but water and wind both raise my spirits, and I was having happy memories. Was really good. Did about 1.5 kilometres.
EDIT: I didn't list it, and I probably won't from now on, but I also drank about 3 or 4 litres of water. Constantly working out, constantly drinking. Constantly pissing too :S . From now on, just assume I had a lot of water, cause I can't keep track of how much im drinking.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Current weight: 114kg
End of week goal: 112kg
Overall goal: 80kg
I currently weigh... 109kgs! Thats 5kg in one week. Almost enough to make me smile! So for reaching my goal weight, and exceeding it by 3kgs, I earn 16 Reward Points. I still have no reward list. I need some helpful suggestions guys.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Absolutely no appetite.
Breakfast - Skipped
Lunch - Skipped
Dinner - Some chicken Jo was going to throw out.
I promise I will have an apple or some watermelon when I get back to my house.
Just did a big around the block walk with 2 children in the pram. Heavy, uphill. Good exercise.
Anyway, feeling dejected. Tomorrow is the start of week 2! New photos and official weigh in.
Spent all day shopping, does that count as exercise? I cant tell you exactly how far I walked, but, it was a lot.
Spent 2 hours walking from 6pm to 8pm. Again, I dont know how far I went, I took too many side streets. This also included small spurts of jogging. Im sure it wasn't attractive, but it felt good. If I HAD to guestimate, 10km? 15km? /shrug
Spent about 2 hours cleaning/babysitting. Just trust me when I say it counts as exercise. I was sweating like you wouldn't believe.
Breakfast - Waterfall Juice
- Strawberry Sorbet
- Mint leaves
- Fruit Salad
Lunch - McDonalds seared chicken wrap (surprisingly VERY good. Maybe I was just sick of subway)
- Regular fries
- Diet Coke
- 2 of my childrens chicken nuggits (What? They weren't eating them :S )
Dinner - 2 apples
I fully planned on skipping dinner. I've moved out of my home, and it was an incredibly lonely evening, but after all that walking, my body needed some fuel. Not sure if it was stress or lack of energy, but I was shaking like a leaf.
On top of those things, I also had 2 Pepsi Max, and about 3L of water.
All in all, I think it was a good day. Not sure though. Very emotional in either case. Endorphines still kinda kicking... Anyway, must go. Im typing this in someone elses house I snuck into. :O
Friday, March 6, 2009
Last night I did 2 km on the exercise bike again. Today I did a one hour walk around the block pushing a pram with 2 children(BIG block, lots of hills *gulp*). Fairly poor at estimating, but I'd say about 5.5k.
Breakfast - I was up in time for it, but I still skipped it. Bad me.
Lunch - Tub of fruit salad
- Waterfall Juice
- Mint Leaves
- Strawberry Sorbet
- Blended to perfection!
Dinner - Large Chicken Wrap meal from Nando's
- Carb friendly wrap
- Large chips (Come on, its not like they are KFC or McDonalds chips. Can't skimp on Nando's)
- Bottle of Lift
I've also had a can of Pepsi Max and 2 bottles of water today. So far, im down 3kg!
Life is difficult, but Im coping. I figured if my wife doesnt want me atm, nothing better to do than to stick to my plan (fuck, hit it even harder even) and come out looking like one sexy
Women are a shallow species. I shall work my magic, oh yes.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Midnight Snack - Small bag of Cherry Ripe bites
- Half a bottle of Pepsi Max
(I bought these while driving to Brisbane at 1 am. I was falling asleep while driving, and I needed something to keep me awake.)
Breakfast - Slept in (Shock!)
Lunch - (Surprise!) Roast chicken wrap from Subway
Dinner - Nothing. No appetite.
I know im skipping meals, and from a diet standpoint, thats bad. Im jsut really uninterested in food, and I force myself to eat that daily wrap (Getting over it though).
Looking forward to next week. I know what my new challenge will be.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Im skipping school this week. I tried going into school on Monday, but it was far too hard to concentrate. Today Jo and I went out. I'll avoid details and just get on with it, shall I?
Lunch - Roast Chicken Wrap
- Same as yesterday
- Calyspo fruit crush thingy
- Pineapple Juice
- Other 100% healthy fruit stuff.
Dinner - Watermelon
Skipped breakfast. Only ate the watermelon because I was cutting some up for the kids. Only ate lunch cause Jo was eating. Just have no appetite at all atm.
Think I need a new blog to start whining about how much my life sucks atm. I've gone from being on top of the world, confident that 2009 was going to be my year, to feeling worse than I did last year.
Fuck it. In other news, I've lost a kilo. Yay me. Anyone reading this, please bear with me. I'll get my shit together soon. I promise this wont become an emo whine blog.
Last year we seperated, it was meant to be a chance for me to sort myself out. It took a REALLY long time, and life was so very hard, but I finally came to my senses. With the help of my therapist, I started to open up finally.
Jo, I really want to re-iterate how loving I have been to you in the past few months. It was all real. You say you want a soul-mate? What do you call someone who feels so much love for you while you are sleeping, that he goes and looks through the old wedding photos. Who posts one as your computer wallpaper so that when you see it, you know he was thinking of you. I planned for ages, trying to figure out how to make this years aniversary better than last years and our wedding combined (Which, considering the circumstances, you might say that wouldn't be hard).
I've seen you stressed a lot lately. I've tried my best to be more active with the children. I admit, I have slipped a lot in the last week or two. I got too caught up in the magic bullshit. Im sorry. But going back a few more weeks, I would make you tea when I saw you stressed. I saw the look in your eyes when I would put it in front of you. Baby, I saw love.
Valentine's Day. How can you say you didn't love me? I SAW the look in your eyes. A lot of it was surprise, but I saw love there too! You're in a funk. I know of funks. Our split does not need to be permanent.
I realise this is a most highly unattractive form of grovelling, but you say you want a man who will shout his love for you from the rooftops. This is my roof. From it, all four corners of the globe (lolwut?) can hear my voice. I even shouted it from my facebook. 25 things about me, that turned into 30. You were the 30th. And I saw you when you read it. You loved me.
In the last 24 hours I say I have seen all these signs coming, and I turneda blind eye to them. But there is more than jsut those signs Jo. I have seen many moments when you have looked at me and been in love with me. And those moments are not as long ago as you seem to think they are.
This feels so wrong to me, and yet it feels right to you. You claim we are "toxic" to each other. Jo, you are inspiring me to be such a better person. The person you consider toxic is so close to being dead. I can feel him fighting for life atm, because he feeds off my depression, off my agony. That's not meant ot be a guilt trip either, my love. I understand your need for space, and I am willing to give it to you. But our life together does not need to end here.
You fail to see the good because you are mired in the bad. And I accept responsibility for allowing you to fall that far. I know fancy words aren't very likely to win you back, but it's all I have left. My heart is empty but my brain spins lovely speeches for me to repeat over and over and over to an empty room.
I ADORE you Jo. Please, don't let this end now. I can be what you need. I can. If you let me.
I dont want anyone else but Jo to comment on this. I thank you for your sympathy, but it only makes me feel even more pathetic.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Lunch - Roasted Chicken Wrap from Subway
- Same as yesterday.
That is all.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Breakfast - Slept in, missed it.
Lunch - Regular Chicken Fillet meal
- Chicken (with skin scraped off)
- Regular Chips
- Can of 7-up
- Fruit Fantasy from Cold Rock
- Mango Sorbet
- Banana Sorbet
- Strawberry topping
Dinner - Roast Chicken Wrap from Subway
- Carb-friendly wrap
- Roast Chicken
- (No cheese. Yay willpower. Boo lack of taste)
- Salt and Pepper
- Honey Mustard sauce (Dunno if its good or bad, but damned if im gonna have a flavourless sammich)
I also had 2 cans of Pepsi Max throughout the day.
Not the BEST start, but I made decisions today that I wouldn't have made previously. Being Zac's (Step-son) birthday, I was kind of forced into KFC and Cold Rock. I didnt want to have nothing, as that would have pissed me off. So I replaced the ice cream in the fruit fantasy with non-dairy sorbet. I actually GOT a fruit fantasy instead of a big tub of ice cream. I went a size smaller at KFC, and painstakingly pulled off all that delicious chicken skin and threw it away!
Overall, im impressed I managed to avoid snacking (thats what the pepsi was for).
Tonight I practiced some fire twirling from 7pm - 8:30. Learnt a new trick called tapping, which is just an impressive way of throwing it and catching it quickly. If my arms are any indication, it was definetly a strong work out. I can barely move them, and I bashed my head in a few times. But more practice with that one before I try it lit :P
Once this is posted, I'll also do a kilometre or two on the exercise bike before I shower and pass out.
They were stale. >.< I noticed they had a "quick sale" price tag on them. Thanks beloved.
As I type this, my lovely wife is uploading some photos on her computer, which I will then go over and upload them onto here. It really doesnt look TOO bad. Not as bad as I see when I look in the mirror. Maybe the camera takes off fat once you reach a certain limit?
Or maybe I should stop looking in that funhouse mirror?
Be back later with pics.
Friday, February 27, 2009
I think Tighty Whities is a bad idea. Trust me, I'll be doing everyone a favour if I stick to boxer shorts. (It'll also save me trying to convince you all that it was a really cold day in the middle of summer *shifty eyes*).
I've been thinking about ways to keep this blog interesting enough to a) keep me updating it (motivation is my issue, not just losing wieght) and b) keeping you reading it. I think I have a few fun "reality tv" style challenges that will keep you all hooked.
Im also trying to work out something to reward myself if I succeed in achieving my goal wieght. I have narrowed it down to like, 3 or 4 huge ideas. I'll post the one I like the best on March 1st. It's like, The Biggest Loser, only it's just me. And it's on the internet. And I have no personal trainer.
Ok, ok fine. The only thing thats the same is they both have fat men looking depressed on scales. Whatever!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
It was decided, since I was at school from 11am to 9pm, that during my break the wife and the kids would meet me at Hungry Jack's for dinner and gift exchange. *Drools at the memory of the dbl cheese* My presents included a bag of crunchies, and a BIG bag of Toobs (the saucy chips) for "movie time".
My foresight has made one of it's rare appearences and prevented me from failing before I even started.
One thing I do want to mention was I got a birthday card from my Nana. I love my Nana. Of the Cross brood, she is the ONLY one I consider sane (my daughter Alana is a possibility as long as she doesn't spend too much time around my son).
However, take a look at what the card said.
"At last the frantic years are over. With more time to do all those special things like:
- Toning up your body
- Saving for a mortgage
- Starting a career
- Still staying up for all night parties
- And having a good time
Who says life is a breeze?"
Now, my dear beloved Nana had the nerve to write "Ha ha" next to "Toning up your body".
Well Nana, of all the people who are able to motivate me with spite, I never suspected you'd be the first. After I much down on my fun-sized Crunchies and eat my ginormous bag of Toobs, and guzzle down a can or three of Pepsi Max (im on a diet, you know) I'll walk a kilometre, just to spite you! :P
2 more days til my journey begins.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
To save some time, and explain a lot about myself, my goals and reasons, I shall post som of the main points of the 25 things about me thing I did on Facebook.
4. I always wanted to be a father. I could never decide if I wanted a son or a daughter, so I guess im lucky I managed to score the whole set :D
5.My children's names are Noah and Alana. Noah was named after the character in "The Notebook", which is Jo's favourite movie. Meanwhile, its a name I loved anyway, and is amongst my "1st pick" materials. Alana was going to be Ally, also from the Notebook, until I pointed it out that it was probably kinda sick to name siblings after the lovers in Jo's favourite movie. She was Abby for a while, but I managed to coax Jo over to Alana in the last minute because "it sounded exotic". And people call women manipulators?
12. I just started a course in Justice Administration. The idea is to complete the course this year, and use the time to lose wieght. Next year, I hope to use my diploma and my smokin' new body and fitness level to enter the QLD police academy.
15. Starting March 1st, 2009 I will be keeping a new blog. It will track what food I have eaten, how much exercise I have done and other random things. I've tried losing wieght in the past through dieting, exercising and whatnot, but I suffer from what many would call depression, and I constantly find excuses to pity myself while chewing on a bag of chips. Im at a shocking 110kgs now, and I figure the best way to force myself to stick to this (for the police academy next year) would be to publicly shame myself. Expect to see a fat man in his tighty whiteys on day one. I invite everyone over to comment and make fun of me. Or encourage. That would be nice too! (Although, seriously, taunting me would help!)
17. 2008 was a very very bad year for me. I spent about 7 or 8 weeks living in my car. I was suicidal some days. I ended up doing what I vowed I never would do, and I got a tattoo. I have the Kanji symbol for father on my forearm. People who see it and comment on it point out that I could have just got my childrens names tattooed, but the thing is (and I dont actually mention this) the tattoo is meant to remind me what I had to live for. It wasnt for the kids, it was for me.
19. I intend on 2009 to be the anti-thesis of 2008. Where everything crashed and burned for me in 2008, I expect 2009 to be a year of getting my shit together and growing up.
In short, I am 24 years old (in about one hour). I was in good physical shape until a motor accident stuffed up my back in 2004. I used the pain as an excuse to become lazy, and have gained massive amounts of wieght. These days, I can't even carry my kids without pain. I get out of breath climbing the stairs. I have incredibly low self esteem (although im quite good at pretending this isnt so).
I want to do something with my life where I can make other peoples lives better. As a police officer, I could stand for all the values that are important to me. However, as a fat man with a bad back, I cannot achieve this goal. After my accident, I was involved in an insurance claim. The insurance doctors tried claiming that I had a bad back because I was fat. Which, was all well and good, but when I would provide with pictures of me BEFORE the accident in very tight motorcycle leathers, they realised that im fat because of the accident.
But the point remains. If I lose wieght, the pain in my back that I live with almost constantly will subside. I will feel better, and look better. This will help my self esteem, and with a little luck, improve my depressive episodes. I can be a better father (which is ultimetly, the most important aspect) and husband. I can start my new career happy and healthy, mind body and soul.
And it all starts with this first step. I need to get motivated to do something. Intense diets have failed, and in failing, have brought me to food binges. Pushing hard on exercise has left me in pain and bruised. So now, I am going to try public humiliation.
I will post all the exercise I have done, every scrap of food I have eaten in daily updates. I need the help of you and everyone else who reads this to be accountable for me. If I know I have a bunch of people hoping for me to succeed, I will be more inclined to just be sensible. If I know I have enough people who love/care for me enough to spend 5 minutes a day to take this journey with me, I will be confident enough where I wont need to wallow in self pity (and Hungry Jacks Dbl cheese.)
Come back on the first of March for the beginning of the trip. Expect to see photos you which you didn't.
And thank you, for your support (even ridicule would be helpful, if not appreciated). :D